Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
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I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
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I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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