Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
