I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
