I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
