I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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