my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
