im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
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