i permit you to call me
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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