Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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