I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
