I just cut my nipple shaving
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sext me about skeletons
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
