What did we do last night that was yellow?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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