1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
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Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.