Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
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TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
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I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover