once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
