i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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