I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
