i already hear my dad disowning me
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
