hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
