Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
should my penis look like a turkey
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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