It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
