I cannot find my penis.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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