So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I didn't notice because vodka
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
