Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
