I am midnight drunk by noon
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
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