i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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