I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
