I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
