Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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