Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
