i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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