im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
