i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
