Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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