Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
