As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
