Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just googled if crying burns calories
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
