I think i sorta joined a cult last night
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
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you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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