Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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