My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
