I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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