Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
