The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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