I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
