I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
