my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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