I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
