I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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