I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
