Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism