I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.