She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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