But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
