smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
