But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
