I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
