my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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