If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
