sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Hippo gnu deer
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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