oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
