Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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