Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
from now on my penis is your penis
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
