i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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