last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
